“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” – Ezekiel 36:26 NLT
I have a confession. I struggle with sharing. Kind of makes me feel like a toddler to admit it, but it’s true. I can share food, clothes, and other material goods, but I really struggle with sharing my space.
Back in January of this year, I made a New Year’s resolution to be more open with my home. I wanted to invite people into my space and spend time with them. I was thinking more like dinner or coffee, but that’s not the way it has worked.
January started with a series of people over for dinner. Then in February we hosted some friends from Africa for a week. People we dearly love. Even so, hospitality was a stretch for me. (Hospitality is truly not my comfort zone. I try, try, try (probably over try); it is just hard, hard, hard for me.) I think the visit went well, but I definitely had some unsteady moments.
March and April were filled with varying experiences from my kids’ friends. Then came late April when my son called to ask if we would be willing to host his future roommate for the summer who had taken an internship in our area and needed a place to stay. I prayed about it and offered half the summer, hoping we could split with another family. (It may sound selfish, but I wanted my space for at least half the summer.)
That didn’t quite work out.
My son called right before he left for Ireland for three weeks in May to tell me his friend probably needed our home for the whole summer. I conceited but was fearfully reluctant, having met the guy only a couple of times.
When picking up my son at the airport after Ireland, we ran into his friend. I wasn’t sure when he was moving in so I asked. He informed me, “Tomorrow.”
My son’s friend is a super guy gifted in gab and photography. He jumped into “my space” really comfortably and soon became part of the household.
In fact, everything was going well until my husband and daughter headed on a trip to Uganda to do some work with the couple we hosted in February.
I learned some things about myself that week, I wasn’t particularly fond of. With the stabilizing comfort of my husband gone, I wanted “my space” back really badly. I worked diligently to bury the resentment of having to share my home with this young man, but I still became divisive in my heart and cruel with my thoughts. Although, I tried to maintain an outer coat of genuine hospitality, my inner heart grew tainted. Towards the end of the second week of my husband’s absence – I cracked. I wasn’t able to keep it in anymore.
I kept asking myself why this was bothering me. The guy staying with us wasn’t doing anything wrong. Why was it so hard to share space? After a couple of melt downs I came clean speaking honestly with both my son and his friend. I was relieved both were gentle with me, although I suspect I hurt feelings as I spoke. I needed help with “our space” not only with chores, but also with me. In all the guilt I was feeling over not wanting to share space, I wasn’t taking care of myself and giving myself grace through the stress I was under with my husband gone. I needed to allow myself some solitude and not feel guilty about it. I also needed time with God to remove the ugly places built up in my heart hanging out with the over dramatized resentment and hurt feelings.
After confession and some well needed conversations with God, there were some things God showed me He was doing in our household.
First. My home really isn’t “my space”. It is God’s. God wants my family to share our home with others so we can share His love with others. Hosting and inviting people over to this amazing space allows us to provide comfort and care to others in need of God’s amazing grace.
Second. God has used our houseguest to teach me quite a bit. My son’s friend and I are polar opposites on the personality scale. While I want to run and hide, this kid boldly burst into whatever he is facing. He’s also not afraid to ask for help. One of my largest struggles. Watching him over the summer has kind of been like having a living You-Tube tutorial right in “my space.”
Thirdly. I was worried our family wouldn’t have as many personal family moments. That simply wasn’t true. We still did stuff as a family, sometimes with our houseguest, sometimes without. There were still times my son and I met for lunch, my daughter and I still did girl things and there were still plenty of family movie nights. Having an extra smile at dinner was nice, too. Especially since he even complimented the “food gone wrong” evenings.
Lastly, I got to see parts of my son, I would’ve never experienced without his friend around. Since my son moved to college he changed and grew up. He wasn’t the same person who left home last fall. Having his friend here in our house, allowed me to experience those changes because he hung out more at home. Also, when I broke down during the time my husband was out, I received grace from my son. Grace I didn’t even know was there. He is a really great guy! God blessed me with opportunities to see him in a different light this summer.
I’m not going to lie. I still struggle with sharing space – but… I’ve grown a lot over the summer. I am grateful for struggle, too. God has shown me through this struggle, He is still at work in me. He has also shown me how much He is working in my son. And that makes my momma heart very happy.