Where I See God
Journal #21: Heart Preparations
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23 NIV
My son’s wedding preparations have taught me a lot.
I wish I meant in preparing decorations, gifts, and rehearsal dinners, (like lasts weeks post of seeing God in the details.) That just isn’t the case this week. This week I really noticed how God has been pulling me out of darkness in the not-so-pretty areas of my heart while preparing for my son’s wedding. I had no clue how many of my insecurities would surface during this process.
Emotion and bondage issues have triggered some needy areas out of my soul. Something as beautiful as a wedding has truly brought out the worst in me. I’ve struggled with envy and jealousy these last few months from those who are more creative than I am. (I’m aware this is petty.) I’ve also been anxiety ridden over what other people think. These issues have nothing to do with the wedding itself or my son and his lovely bride-to-be. They have to do with me and have taunted my every move robbing my joy (and often the joy of those around me.)
It all boils down to this. God called me to be accountable for the places in my heart I refused to examine. The places I left in the dark for no one else to find. The places I put other’s opinions over His. The areas I bowed down to my craving the need for acceptance of others. The dark places that scream for praise for myself instead of praise for God.
My heart turned into the emotional state of a middle school girl who didn’t make the dance squad.
God is so faithful though. When I asked for forgiveness – He forgave.
When I prayed, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Psalm 139:23 NIV). – He searched and helped me find the areas I needed to confess. He then placed people in my life to encourage me in the areas that needed growth.
God even helped me find something I wasn’t even aware was there. The root of why I kept running to the bitterness of envy and anxieties of needing people’s acceptance. The root was a lie I chose to believe early on in the engagement. Satan whispered it in my ear when my mamma heart was feeling not quite ready to release my son. To see him as the adult he is.
“You will be forgotten. You are no longer needed. The days of motherhood are almost over.”
I bought the lie setting my course to prove I wouldn’t be forgotten. Problematic since the course took me on a path to being remembered in ways I don’t want to be remembered by. Ugly ways of irrational behavior. A struggle for attention ensued.
And here is where God stepped in once more…
God gave me the verse, Exodus 14: 13-14 to pray. “Do not be afraid, Kysia. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. Amen.”
I stood still and chose to trust God. He remembered me. Now, He’s still delivering me from some of my people pleasing struggles, but much progress has been made.
It’s been really nice to focus on the happy couple instead of “needing to make sure I’m not forgotten,” too.
God has even given me joy through the process – usually after I’ve been called out, disciplined back into place, and shed a few tears. Joy has still shown up though.
Through joy God has shown me the beauty of truth over the ugly lie. The truth is if I keep trusting God and asking Him to search me, I can be confident that “he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) I am not forgotten. I am remembered and a work in progress.