Wrestling

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in all the earth.” Psalms 46:10

I’ve been struggling lately with God. At war in the fight between service and rest. Wondering if I even make a difference at all. Trying to figure out what is the point to some of the things I do. Back and forth. Wrestling.

What is it that God wants of me? I’ve heard He just wants me, but how does that fit into planet earth life. I wonder if Abraham ever asked these questions as he gazed into the night time stars thinking of the promise God made him. In Peter and John’s struggles to understand Christ, did they ever ponder such things?

Is my belief just about church life or am I impacting beyond the safety of brick and mortar cross?  Is church a place, people or just a symbol?  I am supposed to go out into the world right?

My insecurities cast doubt on my effectiveness at loving my neighbors. Knock, knock at the door, I’m exhausted and don’t want to answer. Will I have the strength to say “yes” to what they ask? Or the courage to say “no”?

All along, Christ calls to me to sit at His feet and choose what is better.

“What is better, God?” I ask.

When Jacob wrestled with God in the night was he able to see past his own selfishness and see God’s bigger picture?

Does it matter where I serve as long as I serve?

Why do I even worry about it if believing is all that counts?

All along I hear a whisper asking me to stop. To rest in Him. To trust.  I want to curl up next to Him like I do my husband at night and have him tell me, it is all going to work itself out.

Faith. Believing it will work itself out.

“Breathe, Kysia. Just breathe. I know you long for more, but be still for this moment,” is what I get.

Faith. Believing it will work itself out.

Will I limp, like Jacob when this fight is done or have a thorn like Paul’s?

“Maybe, Kysia. Just rest.”

God, Is it ever enough? This work that I do?

“No. But… I am.”

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