A Season of Doubt

“He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, ‘ O you of little faith, why did you doubt?’” Matthew 14:29-31

“There is a beautiful thing called imperfect progress when we take slow steps of progress wrapped in grace.” – Lysa Terkeurst from The Best Yes

 Lysa Terkeurst’s quote came up in the Memory on Facebook. The words caught me off guard. My words of “I’m here” from two years ago were posted above the Memory. “Strange,” I said to myself. “To still be here.”

Last year, I did a lot of writing on the pending changes coming to our family. Changes with my son going to college. Changes in my husband’s job and my daughter beginning high school. We were moving into a different station in life.

Change came. Life happened. We settled in.

Strike that. I didn’t settle in.

I reverted back a bit to old patterns of insecurity as I uncomfortably tried to fit into my new life station. I jumped into volunteering, but soon fell into a season of doubt – my pattern. These last two weeks I’ve worked steadily trying to climb back out of fear and doubt. Fears of “Am I good enough?” and doubts of “Can God really use me for this?” clouded my judgment as I fed myself the lie over and over, “I can’t handle this.” Slowly, I reached out and grabbed the hand of Christ and chose to believe He can use me. Step by step, crying out in prayer I’ve been making progress gradually beginning to give myself grace for not being “perfect.”

Through the years, I’ve taught my kids that when they step out of God’s will, the best way to get back on track is through prayer, asking God for help and forgiveness. As I heard myself recently share these words in a class I’ve been teaching, I realized the same applied to me. When doubt in my calling and abilities causes me to drown in my insecurities, God is waiting to save me just as he did Peter. Peter too, had begun to sink when he focused on his fear.  When he cried out, ‘Lord, save me,’ Jesus immediately, without hesitation reached out to save him. (Matthew 14:29-31) Jesus reaches out asking me to take his hand, too. All I have to do is ask and accept His gracious offer of help -surrendering my fear in exchange for continuous acceptance and abundant grace despite my shortcomings.

About a week ago, I came home crying from one of the small groups I’m leading. Familiar words of “I can’t do this” flooded my heart. Taking a deep breath, I felt God say, “With my help, yes, you can, Kysia. Remember, how much easier it is to lead if I’m actually guiding?”

Exhaling, I did remember. Taking a small step of progress, I surrendered once again into the arms of the Savior who loves me. Since school began, I’ve made some messy progress a little at a time. Somewhere along the semester, I took my eyes off God and placed them on my view of perfection when God desired to use my messy for His perfection. Once again, back on track, a little bit unorthodox, I’m stepping forward trying to be the best Kysia wrapped in grace I can be. I am a step in progress and my progress is relying on God as I go.

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