I Wasn’t Ready

“What gain has the worker from his toil? I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” Ecclesiastes 3:9-12

I wasn't ready

This last week I had a difficult decision to make so I fasted from social media to avoid distractions. I was amazed at how quickly my spirit calmed and quieted when I wasn’t rushing to look in on the rest of the world.

A couple of months ago, I was offered an opportunity to  work with Junior High students at my church. I love teenagers. The job sounded so perfect. It was a small position assisting the Jr. High Director.

Then I started. Even from the first week my spirit was at unrest, but I was learning so much I didn’t want to stop. The weeks traveled on and the exhaustion of trying to keep up with both the life I know God called me to and the life I wanted God to call me to at the same time wore rough.

I cried all this last weekend as my husband and I discussed this season of life we are in with our own teens, the mission work we are involved with, and my heart passions to encourage in my kid’s schools when I get the chance to volunteer. I hadn’t stopped any of those things, but I did add on a position that really needed more attention than I was willing to give. I still struggled making the decision because I enjoyed being around the people I’d met through the position and was challenged by the work it offered. My life though had climbed on a pendulum leaving me swinging between the excitement of the challenge and tiredness from not being at peace.

Saturday afternoon my family went on an outing for family pictures and senior pictures for my son. It was a beautiful day.  We had so much fun making jokes about silly poses we’d threaten to take pictures of in front of our hometowns older buildings. A few of the older buildings were about to be torn down and others renovated. We posed in front of weathered brick steps and old red painted metal doors. Each with its unique qualities that added interest for a back drop. We loved watching my teens banter back and forth as they walked along train tracks. The contrast between aged brick and youthful activity carried a nostalgic feeling on my emotionally tendered heart.

At home, as my husband prepared an amazing meal (Saturday evening is his cherished time in the kitchen. We love Saturday evenings because of it.), my daughter and I sat in the den working on different projects chatting in between our focuses. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t ready to rush this season. I still wanted my focus on my family and the smaller details that are so important. My work at home wasn’t done.

Peace didn’t come fully until my resignation was written and I trusted God to find my replacement to work with the amazing people I’d miss. I learned so much from taking a chance on the position, but the biggest lesson was simply – I wasn’t ready.

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